Brave New World

(they always said that sex would change you)

Previous Entry Share
Object lesson: How (Not) to be a Jackass
So last weekend I was at a predominantly queer party; met some people, didn't click with anyone, and after I'd left it occurred to me that this was probably because they were all so damned young. Like, mostly 19 to 21. And I never notice it right away, because they look like adults at that age, but then when I talk to them it's like, "Wow. Your brain is... not very interesting yet."

Man, I used to worry about getting older because then all the hot young thangs wouldn't want to date me anymore. It didn't occur to me that I wouldn't want to date them first.

Anyway, this morning I had a message in my OkCupid inbox, a guy from the party who'd recognized me and was like, "Oh hey, you were at so-and-so's party, right?" So I clicked over to his profile to see if he had hidden depths that hadn't been apparent when I met him, and found this gem right there in his "About Me" summary:

I also don't and will not date a bisexual guy or transgender ppl. Nothing wrong with them but they're just not for me.
This, knowing that I was trans before he messaged me. Luckily I hadn't been interested in dating him either, and since I have no compunctions about burning my bridges with that crowd:

Okay, so, I'm not going to win any friends doing this, but you did say you'd rather be educated than offend in ignorance, so...

Did you always have the "no trannies" clause in your profile, or did you add that for my benefit? Because I don't care if you don't want to date me -- I'm an elitist jerk, I'm aware of that, and there are plenty of people who aren't into that -- but ruling out transsexuals as a species makes you look like an asshole. You might as well write "No Mexicans plz" -- the only difference is that it's still socially acceptable to discriminate against trans folk.

If your next argument is "I can't help what I'm attracted to," I've heard that one before too, and the rebuttal is that trans dudes come in all shapes and sizes, so if any subset of men are your "type," then there are going to be transsexuals who are "your type." If what you're actually trying to screen for is big dicks, then just say so, "Only big dicks need apply."

And lastly, if I've pissed you off, please keep in mind that these are my personal feelings, not those of all trans dudes everywhere. "Man, that guy Gabriel is an uptight jerk" = okay. "Man, trans guys are uptight jerks" = not true. We are not all the same any more than gay guys are all the same.

The End

  • 1
So, random question:

Is saying "I'm not into trans people" different from saying, "I'm straight, so I'm not into women". (Uh, front the point of view of a girl).

It's a genuine question; I don't know the answer.

It is. Let's see if I can explain it.

You're talking about sexual orientation, and orientation applies to you. You're straight, so you're not into women. I'm gay, so I'm not into women either. Straight guys aren't into dudes, and accordingly, they aren't into me.

Meanwhile, a person's transsexuality is about them, not about you. From an outsider perspective, think of trans as an adjective, one that can occur in combination with literally any other adjective you can apply to a person. Trans men (to use them for an example, since you said you're straight) can be androgynous and feminine or macho like mf'ing linebackers, waif-like hipsters or musclebound bodybuilders, or anything in between. Trans men can be athletes, scifi geeks, intellectuals, fucking morons, artsy types, swishy fags, computer nerds -- anything you could find attractive, there is a trans dude out there who is your type.

It's true, transsexuality can be very obvious (which, yes, you are allowed to not be attracted to, that's fine) but it can also be something that you're never, ever going to realize unless they tell you. Which is why it makes no more sense to say "I'm not into transsexuals" than it does to say "I'm not into people with O+ blood type." You can't tell that by looking at them -- no really, you can't.

When I come out to people, the response is always the same: "I would never have guessed!" The next thing is usually that they've never met a transsexual before, or that I'm the first they've ever met (and I hear this a LOT), I'm hard-pressed not to laugh in their faces. You have no idea how many trans people you've met who never even pinged you.

However, being weirded out by different genitals than what you're used to is a different hurdle, and one I give more leeway on, since I have a pretty strong preference for dicks myself. >_> Even so, I think rejecting someone for the "wrong" genitals puts you on par with the girl who'll dump a guy for having a small dick.

Hmm yes, I see the argument you're making but isn't it possible to take that further and claim that all sexual preferences (on whatever grounds) are down to that person (i.e. *me* not *you*)?

For instance, supposing I was the shallow female you describe above and I meet a guy, we get on well and when I drag him into my bedroom --Amazonian style-- to rip his clothes off. I then discover he has a dick the size of pencil eraser and it's a huge turn-off.

Now, that definitely sucks, since it's going to resort in a lot of hurt feelings but why it is more shallow and me saying "eh, I don't find you attractive" from square one? Haven't I made that claim on very superficial aspects, for instance, hair, eyes, height, body build etc etc?

In which case, isn't is always about me? And therefore, saying "I'm not attracted to small dicks / trans people / big guys with hands like saucepans" is all the same?

Now, you could say "Yes! All those choices prove that you are a shallow little twit" and go onto claim that attraction may first me on saucepan sized hands, but by the time you hit the bedroom, it's moved onto a deeper connection and dick size shouldn't matter.

But in which case, isn't there an argument that says gender comes into the same category? If I'm straight, I might think I prefer men, but does that mean I should rule out women any more than transgender people? Woman, like transgenders-- can come in a wide range of looks. So isn't it --at the end of the day-- always an adjective that can be applied to anything?

Maybe the argument is that gender is as fundamental as personality to an individual whereas the size of your body parts are not? I'm not totally sure how I feel about that. At the end of the day, gender was a bit luck-of-the-draw, wasn't it?

So... having re-read your reply more carefully.... I realise that my arguments don't actually contradict what you're saying!

So --the point is-- that if what you're really against is different genitals to the norm, that's what you should come out and say, since there's nothing that applies to all transexual people so it makes no sense.

(Got there in the end!)

Although, to some degree, the second part of my original ramble holds in that men and woman also come in a wide range of shapes and sizes. I've sometimes wondered if it's only society restraints that makes most people pick a gender of preference.

(Deleted comment)
He did, and explained. It was directed at MTFs because, well, he gay. I stand by my assertion that it's poorly worded and makes him sound like an asshole though.

>Man, I used to worry about getting older because then all the hot young thangs wouldn't want to date me anymore. It didn't occur to me that I wouldn't want to date them first.



OK, that's funny.

Personally I just hang out with smart interesting people, and sleep with hot young people, and it's only a nice accident when they happen to be the same people, but I respect your ambitious desire to date only those who are both.

>You might as well write "No Mexicans plz"

People say this all the time on hookup sites, or that they're looking for black or latino guys specifically, and although I used to be pretty uncomfortable with it, I got over it. I now see nothing wrong with it, any more than with chasing skinny or muscular or cut or uncut guys.

However, I don't do it myself, for two reasons. First, it does offend some people, and it's easy enough just to ignore the replies from people you find unattractive, whether due to race or acne or anything else, and filter at that point instead of sounding like a snob in your ad. Second, I'm a big believer in curiosity and broadening your horizons, and although it's rare that I find (for example) a black guy hot, the black guys I do find hot are fucking GORGEOUS, so I definitely don't want to filter out all people of any given race.

Of course, maybe I'm just jaded, amoral, and mercenary about all this.

It's not the same though -- the tl;dr version of what I said above boils down to this:

The only thing that all trans dudes have in common is the "wrong" junk (and then sometimes not even that, when we're post-op). So in my opinion, the only legit reason for ruling out trans dudes is if you're ALL ABOUT dick and absolutely can't stand the thought of touching/seeing a vagina. If that describes you, then by all means, go ahead and tell the world up front so nobody wastes their time on you.

The problem is that when most people say they're not into transsexuals, they don't actually know what they're talking about. They think transsexual = "man in a dress" or "dumpy dyke" and since they know they don't want THAT, obviously they're not into transsexuals. They just have no idea how many hot young thangs they've had their eye on before who had the "wrong" junk, that they never had any idea about.

I've been hanging out in gay social situations when guys go off on some tear about vaginas being gross and icky, etc, at the same time they're eyeing my twink self without knowing that I'm trans. And they are so chagrined when they find out, one because they've finally noticed how that makes them sound like a misogynistic jackass, and two because it's clear they've shot their chances with me. "Omg I didn't mean it like that!" is usually how they try to backtrack, but I suspect what they mean is "I didn't realize that could apply to someone I was attracted to."

There's this weirdly common idea among cisgendered people that by asking for acceptance, trans folk are somehow trying to guilt-trip them into dating us. Which is why they wail that they're just not ~attracted~ to trans people, they can't ~help~ that, it's just how they are! It's not you it's me, etc.

When what we're really asking for is them to stop stereotyping us, because reality might surprise them. And frankly, the last thing any of us are interested in is dating someone who hates our bodies and thinks our junk is disgusting.

Of course, maybe I'm just jaded, amoral, and mercenary about all this.

Aye, and this is why we're friends. ^_^

Ah, very good point-- the "transsexual = "man in a dress" or "dumpy dyke"" idea is probably all that's behind a lot of those ads.

  • 1

Log in